We all know the phrase "I'm my own worst enemy". If you have ever eaten a chocolate bar when you're meant to be on a diet or bought yourself a new pair of shoes when you were meant to be saving you will know what that feels like. However, sabotage can have much more serious consequences if we are unaware of how our choices are negatively impacting the life we want.
My biggest regret is giving up on all my dream of becoming a journalist when I finished university because I was scared of failing. At the time I blamed the recession, I blamed not having family living in London, but the real reason was I didn't believe I could do it, and I didn't want to try and fail. There are lots of different ways we self-sabotage and I am sure you will be able to relate to most of them.
Blaming others when things go wrong
Often much easier than taking responsibility when we do things that don't work out. Sometimes, bad things just happen without anyone being at fault. Some misfortunes might be solely the fault of someone else, but more often than not we have a choice. If you tend to assume bad things just happen to you whenever you face difficulties, it may be because you find it too difficult to acknowledge the choices you have made. Red flags are a great example, we have all been in a relationship where there were signs things weren’t great but we excused behaviors or chose to ignore them. At that moment we have a choice to reflect on past relationships or talk to friends but often we choose not to do that because we don't want to feel heartache or we don't want to accept again we have chosen the wrong person.
Choosing to walk away when things don’t go smoothly.
There’s nothing wrong with moving on from situations that don't meet our needs. This might be the best option sometimes, but if you are someone like I have been in the past who gives up on things without trying because you don't want to look or feel like a failure you may be preventing yourself from achieving so much more.
Procrastination
Another way we stop ourselves from achieving our goals is by distracting ourselves from them. Cleaning out the fridge, organizing your junk drawer, scrolling for hours, drinking, drug-taking, partying. Anything to stop us from focusing on things we need to deal with and stop us from working through why we never seem to get what we really want in life.
Picking fights with friends or partners
Being defensive whenever anyone tries to support us is a very common defensive mechanism. You may find yourself arguing with the people you are closest to, over things that don’t really matter. On the flip side, you might get offended easily or take things personally, whether they’re directed at you or not. Or perhaps you have a hard time talking about your feelings, especially when upset. So you resort to being passive-aggressive instead of using more effective communication and being vulnerable as you are too scared they won't care how you feel or even worse they won't change.
Putting yourself down
Another very common trait of self-sabotage is setting much higher standards for ourselves than we would for others. When we fail to meet these standards we might give ourselves some pretty harsh feedback:
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I won’t make it, so why should I bother?”
“Wow, I really messed up. I’m terrible at this.”
Control
Self-sabotaging can also come from a need to control, if we feel out of control in other areas of our lives this can feel like the safest option. When you’re in control, you might feel safe, strong, and ready to face anything that comes your way. Some types of self-sabotage provide this sense of control. What you’re doing may not be great for your mental health or relationships, but it helps you stay in control when you feel vulnerable.
There are many reasons we self-sabotage. Some stem back to childhood, sometimes it can feel like the best way to avoid difficult feelings, but it's a big indicator of how we feel about ourselves.
If you don’t want to fail at your dream job, in your relationship, or even at being a good parent, you might unintentionally be sabotaging your own efforts to do well. Wanting to avoid failure can lead us to avoid trying. If we don’t try, we can’t fail, right?
Practice getting comfortable with failure, It’s normal to feel afraid of rejection, failure, and other emotional pain. These things are generally not fun to deal with, so it can make sense to take steps to avoid them. This becomes problematic when the steps you take involve self-sabotage. You might prevent unwanted experiences, but you’re also bound to miss out on things you do want, such as strong relationships, close friends, or career opportunities.
Next time you try and talk yourself out of having a difficult conversation or doing something that makes you feel scared or uncomfortable. Think about why you are being avoidant. If this is something you feel you are struggling with it might be something we could work on in some counselling sessions, so please get in touch to arrange a free 30-minute consultation.
"Nothing amazing happens in our comfort zone"
If any of this resonates with you let’s arrange a consultation to discuss how counselling could help link. If you want to know more about how your subconscious beliefs are affecting you now try my free quiz on attachment styles and breaking the cycle link.
The Mum Space Community is now live a FREE community supporting Mums to break the cycle and not feel guilty about making themselves a priority link.
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