What Does a Healthy Relationship Actually Look Like?

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, and while so much of the focus is (rightly) on recognising unsafe behaviours, I want to speak to those who are out of danger but still carrying the impact of their past. Because sometimes the hardest part isn’t spotting what’s wrong — it’s knowing what’s right.

If you grew up in a home with domestic abuse, or you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship before, love can feel confusing.

It’s very common to find yourself second-guessing everything — analysing your partner’s words, replaying conversations, or wondering if you’ve done something wrong. Calm moments can leave you feeling unsettled because your nervous system is so used to bracing for something bad to happen.

Arguments can feel overwhelming, even when they’re about something small, because your body isn’t just reacting to the here and now — it’s remembering what conflict used to mean. If you grew up in a home where arguments quickly turned into shouting, silence, or worse, your nervous system learned to see conflict as danger. So even a simple disagreement with a partner can feel huge, like you’re bracing yourself for everything to fall apart.

You might swing between craving closeness and pulling away, not quite trusting when things feel good. And when you look at other people’s relationships, it’s easy to get stuck in comparison. Maybe you catch yourself thinking:

• “Why can’t my partner be as caring as him?”

• “They always look so happy together — what’s wrong with us?”

• “Do we argue too much? Do we even laugh enough?”

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Those doubts can creep in even when things are steady, making you question if what you have is really “enough.”

That push and pull isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because your body and mind learned that love and danger were linked. Untangling those two takes time, patience, and support.

And that confusion makes complete sense.

The Spiral in Healthy Relationships When Things Aren’t Perfect

If you grew up around conflict, control, or abuse, your nervous system probably learned to stay on high alert. Maybe as a child you were always scanning the room for signs of tension, ready to adapt your behaviour to keep the peace.

When a parent’s mood could change without warning — one moment calm, the next angry or withdrawn — you had to stay tuned in, always guessing what version of them you were going to get. That unpredictability teaches your body that safety is never guaranteed.

And that survival response doesn’t just vanish when you become an adult. It often follows you into your relationships, showing up in ways like:

• Struggling to relax when things are calm, because you’re waiting for something to go wrong.

• Replaying conversations in your head, scanning for signs you upset someone.

• Saying yes when you want to say no, because keeping the peace feels safer than speaking up.

• Feeling a knot in your stomach at the first hint of conflict, even if it’s just a normal disagreement.

• Overthinking texts or body language, trying to “read” the other person so you can adjust yourself.

  
  

All of this can leave you anxious, unsettled, or unable to fully relax — even when you’re safe.

It can also shape how you experience love. The push and pull of inconsistency — the highs and lows, the moments where you had to work hard to “earn” affection — can get wired into your body as what love feels like.

So when someone offers you steady, safe, unconditional care, it doesn’t always feel comforting. In fact, it can feel unfamiliar — even threatening. Instead of relaxing into it, you might find yourself questioning:

• “Why do they love me?”

• “What do they see in me?”

• “When will they realise I’m not enough?”

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Sometimes, you might even pick arguments or create distance — not because you don’t want love, but because calm feels uncomfortable. Chaos is what your nervous system has learned to expect, so peace can feel unsettling.

Why Safe Love Can Feel Unsafe After Abuse

Another layer is the spiral that kicks in when things aren’t “perfect.” You might find yourself replaying conversations in your head, worrying that you’ve said or done the wrong thing. A small disagreement can snowball in your mind until it feels like the whole relationship is at risk.

Your nervous system, so used to danger, can trick you into believing that a bump in the road means the ground is about to collapse beneath you.

But the reality is this: healthy relationships aren’t flawless — but they are safe. They don’t demand you tolerate harm, stay small, or abandon yourself. Instead, they give you a steady base where:

• Disagreements can be repaired.

• Respect remains, even in conflict.

• You feel safe to be yourself.

  
  

Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships

And here’s the part that often feels hardest to admit: when you don’t truly like yourself, unconditional love can feel terrifying.

Because if someone is kind, consistent, and steady with you, a part of you might panic: “How long until they see the real me? How long until this falls apart?”

That push and pull — craving closeness but fearing it — isn’t a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign your body and mind learned to survive in an environment where love was tied to fear, inconsistency, or control.

How Counselling Can Help You Build a Healthy Relationship

The good news is, cycles can be broken. With support, you can teach your nervous system that love doesn’t have to mean chaos. You can learn to feel safe in calm. You can build the confidence to believe you’re worthy of steady, respectful love.

This is the work I do with clients. Together we can:

• Untangle the patterns from your past that are keeping you stuck in survival mode.

• Help your nervous system learn what calm and safe connection actually feel like.

• Build your self-confidence so you can set and hold boundaries without guilt.

• Support you in creating and sustaining relationships where you feel steady, valued, and free to be yourself.

  
  

Counselling isn’t about “fixing” you — because you are not broken. It’s about giving you the tools and support to break old cycles, trust yourself, and finally feel at home in your relationships.

👉 I offer counselling virtually (so you can connect from anywhere) or face-to-face in Brighton. You can book an introductory call here to see how I can support you.

✨ If you are currently experiencing abuse and need immediate support, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit Women’s Aid for resources and advice. You don’t have to go through it alone.