Resentment After Kids: Why It Happens and What to Do About It

So I wanted to talk about something that most couples go through, but hardly anyone admits out loud:

What happens to your relationship after having children.

You love your partner. You’ve built a life together.But now? You feel like you’re doing everything — and you’re tired, snappy, and quietly full of rage over the shoes no one else noticed don’t fit.

Sound familiar?

Welcome to resentment after motherhood — a completely normal, but incredibly heavy emotion that so many mums carry silently.

Why Resentment Builds After Having Kids

You’re the one who remembers the dentist appointments. Who fills in the school forms. Who checks the WhatsApp group and actually knows it’s non-uniform day tomorrow.

And still…You’re told to “just ask if you need help.”

It’s enough to make you scream into a cushion.....or like most of us just be really passive aggressive just you don't want to be called a nag.

This emotional imbalance is often called the invisible load of motherhood. And when you’re holding it all, it’s easy to start resenting your partner — even if they’re not doing anything “wrong.”The truth is: they’re just not doing enough. And it doesn’t feel fair.

Does Resentment Mean Your Relationship Is Broken?

Absolutely not. But it is a sign that something isn’t being said out loud.And if it stays unspoken, that quiet simmer can turn into emotional distance… or even burnout.

This is one of the biggest reasons couples come to me for relationship counselling after having children. Because they love each other — but the connection feels buried under years of sleepless nights, logistical chats, and mental spreadsheets.

How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Here’s what I often say to the parents I work with:

1. Name it.

You can’t change something you’re pretending isn’t happening.Try saying to yourself:

“I’m carrying too much right now.”“I feel unappreciated.”That alone can shift something.

2. Drop the ‘shoulds’.

Yes, he should know what size shoes your child wears. He should be checking the school app. But focusing on what he should know will only keep you stuck. Start asking yourself:

“What’s in my control? ”What can I communicate more clearly?”

It’s not fair — but it is freeing.

3. Get curious, not critical.

Try saying:

“I’ve been feeling a bit invisible lately — can we talk about what’s working and what’s not?”Instead of:“You never help with anything.”The first opens a door. The second slams it shut.

4. Remember: You are not too much.

Your needs are valid. Wanting help, appreciation, emotional connection — it doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.

You Can Feel Close Again — Even Without a Fancy Date Night

One thing I always remind my clients is this:Connection is built in the small moments.

• A 20-second hug before you leave for work...(perfect for a minute of calm amoigst the morning madness.)

• Sending a funny meme during a chaotic day

• Saying “thank you” for something you normally take for granted

• Doing a weekly 10-minute check-in over a glass of wine in the garden

These tiny gestures can create a big emotional shift.

And if you’re thinking, we’re so far from that place…I promise — you can get back there. It just takes intention, good realtionship take work, if it was easy we wouldnt have so many people getting divorced.

When to Consider Relationship Support

If you’re finding it hard to talk without arguing, if you’re stuck in cycles of blame or shutdown, or if the resentment is bubbling up in ways that surprise even you, it might be time to reach out for support.

Relationship counselling for parents isn’t about “fixing” what’s broken. It’s about creating space to understand each other again.To work with the changes that parenthood brings. To rebuild connection, one small moment at a time.

You’re Not Alone – And You Deserve Support

Want to find our more about working with me, check out my profile on the counselling directory here