Matrescence: Finding Yourself in the Messy Middle of Motherhood
When I became a mum, I thought I knew what to expect. I’d heard all the usual warnings—“Say goodbye to sleep! You’ll never drink a hot cup of tea again!”—but no one told me about the biggest change of all: me.
I knew my life would look different, but I wasn’t prepared for the questions that would bubble up inside me:
Who am I now?
How do I dress?
Am I still interesting?
Is it okay that I still want to work?
Will I ever be close to my husband again?
Will I ever be able to relax when I leave my baby?
These weren’t the kind of things I could just Google. And even though I’d worked with mums as a family worker for years, nothing prepared me for how matrescence would shake me to my core.
What Is Matrescence?
You might already know that matrescence is the emotional and physical transformation we go through when we become mothers. It’s often compared to adolescence—because, like adolescence, it’s messy, uncomfortable, and full of growth.
What I wish more people would say, though, is this: matrescence isn’t about losing yourself. It’s about finding yourself.
That’s the part we don’t hear enough. Yes, change is hard, and it’s messy. But matrescence is your chance to peel back the layers of who you thought you were supposed to be and discover who you really are.
When Everything Feels Messy
When my daughter was born, I felt a huge responsibility to get everything “right.” I became a pescatarian because I was worried about climate change and how eating meat might affect her future. I tried to juggle all the new roles—mum, wife, friend—and still be the person I was before.
I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and full of self-doubt. If someone had told me then that matrescence was supposed to feel messy, it would’ve been such a relief. Knowing it was normal would have given me the space to step back and say, “It’s okay to feel like this. It’s not forever.”
Why Mental Health Matters in Matrescence
Before I became a mum, I worked with so many families where mental health struggles affected not just the parents but the children too. I saw mums who were so overwhelmed by anxiety or depression that they felt like they couldn’t show up in the way they wanted to.
Those experiences stuck with me. When I became a mum, I knew how important it was to prioritise my own mental health—not just for me but for my daughter. I made choices that helped me stay connected to myself: I asked for help, kept going to the gym, and spent time with friends who didn’t have kids.
I also stopped breastfeeding at six weeks because it wasn’t working for us. I felt confident in my decision, but years later, I found out I have hypoplastic breasts, which means I can’t produce enough milk. It all made sense then, but at the time, I carried so much unnecessary guilt.
This is why I’m so passionate about sharing the narrative that matrescence is about rediscovering ourselves. Information, support, and kindness can make all the difference.
When I Lost Myself in Matrescence
By the time I had my son during lockdown, things felt completely different. Social media became my lifeline, and I spent hours scrolling for advice instead of trusting my instincts. I was burnt out, resentful of my partner, and trying so hard to get everything “right” that I felt like I’d lost myself completely.
If I could go back and hug that version of me, I’d tell her:
Slow down.
Let them watch TV.
Order the takeaway.
Cuddle your baby.
Stop wishing the time away—they’re only little for such a short time.
Looking back, I can see that all those struggles were part of the process. I needed to go through the mess to find myself again.
Matrescence Is Messy—and Magical
Here’s what I know now: matrescence is about finding yourself. It’s about discovering what really matters to you, letting go of what doesn’t, and creating a life that feels true to you.
Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s emotional. But it’s also full of magic. It’s the moment when you stop trying to be the mum you think you’re “supposed” to be and start becoming the mum you’re meant to be.
If you’re in the messy middle of matrescence right now, please know this: it will get easier. And when you show yourself the same kindness you’d give your best friend, everything feels lighter.
How I Can Support You
If you’re feeling stuck in matrescence—wondering how to reconnect with yourself and figure out who you are now—I can help.
In my 1:1 sessions, I offer a safe space to help you:
Let go of guilt and impossible expectations.
Reconnect with what truly matters to you.
Build practical tools to rediscover yourself.
Motherhood isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, embracing the mess, and growing into the incredible mum you’re becoming.
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