Becoming parents changes everything—especially your relationship. Many couples find themselves feeling more disconnected after having kids, and it’s completely normal. Whether you’re struggling with communication, intimacy, or setting boundaries, you’re not alone. Relationships need nurturing, even more so when you're navigating the overwhelming demands of parenthood.
The good news? You can rebuild that connection with simple, intentional steps that strengthen both your partnership and your ability to set boundaries, not just with each other, but with friends, family, and societal pressures.
How to Rebuild Intimacy Without Feeling Drained
Let’s face it: intimacy can take a backseat when you're a mum. You're tired, touched-out, and the idea of sex might feel more like a chore than a connection. But intimacy isn’t only about sex. Emotional closeness, simple gestures of affection, or even holding each other a little longer can make a big difference.
Research shows that couples who prioritize small moments of connection—whether through meaningful conversation or physical touch—are more likely to feel close. And here’s something important about sex: it’s a key way adults bond and relieve stress. Reframing the way you think about it, from something you “have to do” to something you get to enjoy, can change how you approach intimacy after kids.
Tool: The 6-Second Kiss Rule A small action that can make a big impact: share a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. It releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and helps foster physical and emotional connection. The 30-Second Hug is another simple, yet powerful, tool. It sounds small, but taking that extra moment to hold your partner helps slow down your busy day and reminds you both of your bond.
If physical touch isn’t your priority, try micro dates. Even if it’s just 10 minutes of distraction-free time—like a quick walk or lunch together—being intentional with your time can strengthen your connection.
Addressing Communication Breakdowns in Your Relationship
If there’s one thing I hear from my clients, it’s that they assumed their partner would know what they need after the baby. Spoiler alert: most of the time, they don’t! This leads to resentment, especially when one person feels like they’re carrying all the emotional or physical labor while the other is dealing with financial pressures or other stress.
Many of these issues stem from old, unspoken beliefs we picked up from our own families—especially around gender roles. Even though we're challenging these roles in today’s world, it’s still messy and we haven’t fully figured it out. But here’s where setting boundaries and improving communication makes all the difference.
Tool: The Weekly Check-In Take 10 minutes each week to ask, “How are you really feeling?” or “What do you need from me?” Regular, intentional conversations can help you both feel heard and reduce resentment. Listening without interrupting can also go a long way toward improving communication.
Stop People-Pleasing: Set Healthy Boundaries After Kids
One thing many mums struggle with is people-pleasing, whether it's trying to meet the demands of your partner, in-laws, or even friends. You’re probably used to putting everyone else first, but when you're constantly doing that, it leads to burnout and resentment.
You don’t have to say "yes" to every social invitation, help out with every family crisis, or meet every demand that comes your way. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being without guilt. By setting boundaries, you’re protecting your energy, and ultimately, this will help your relationship too.
Tool: Boundary-Setting for Mums Start small by setting one clear boundary. For example, if family visits are overwhelming, talk with your partner about limiting them or scheduling them when it works best for you. When you say "no" to things that drain you, you’re saying "yes" to yourself, your family, and your relationship. Remember: setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s self-care.
Understanding Love Languages: Speak Your Partner’s Language
One of the biggest reasons relationships struggle after kids is because we express love in ways that might not resonate with our partner. This is where love languages come in. Gary Chapman’s framework—Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts—is a game-changer. If your partner isn’t speaking your love language, it’s easy to feel like they’re not making an effort.
Let’s say your partner is busy helping out with chores (Acts of Service), but what you really need is to hear “I love you” (Words of Affirmation). When these needs don’t align, it can feel like you’re not being seen or appreciated. But understanding and speaking each other’s love languages can transform how you connect.
Tool: Discover Your Love Languages Sit down with your partner and talk about what makes each of you feel truly loved. Take the love languages quiz together, or simply have a conversation about it. Being intentional about speaking each other’s love languages can make a huge difference, even when life with kids feels chaotic.
Relationships require effort, especially after kids. But with small, intentional changes like improving communication, setting boundaries, and learning each other’s love languages, you can feel more connected and fulfilled. Not only does working on your relationship benefit you, but it also sets a powerful example for your children. They learn about healthy relationships, love, and boundaries by watching you.
And remember, if things feel really rubnish, there’s no shame in seeking help through therapy or coaching. It's brave to ask for support, and it can make all the difference in your relationship.
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