Why anxiety can feel impossible to escape (and what’s actually happening in your brain)

Anxiety in motherhood can feel relentless, it can feel like you never get to switch off, constantly worrying, always feeling on edge, always trying to catch up.. As a therapist and coach who supports maternal mental health, I see how often women believe they are broken because they feel anxious all the time, when in reality, their nervous system is simply stuck in overdrive.

If anxiety feels like it’s always there, quietly running in the background, it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong in you. It usually means your nervous system has got used to being on high alert. And the hopeful part is this: patterns that were learned can be unlearned. Your brain isn’t stuck like this forever. It can soften, it can slow down, and it can learn a different way of being with time and support.

What’s usually happening is something much more human.

Inside your brain is a small, almond-shaped structure called the amygdala. Its job is simple: keep you alive. It scans constantly for danger and decides, very quickly, whether something feels safe or threatening.

When life has been stressful for a long time — pregnancy, birth, lack of sleep, emotional pressure, childhood experiences, relationship strain, trying to hold everything together for everyone else — the amygdala can become over-sensitive. It starts to behave like an overworked smoke alarm. Not just reacting to real fires, but to burnt toast. Steam from the shower. A neighbour’s barbecue.

And our childhoods play a big part in this too. If you grew up needing to be on alert, to read the room, to stay small, to keep the peace, or to cope on your own, your brain learned very early that being watchful was important. Your nervous system adapted to your environment. It learned that staying switched on was safer than relaxing.

So now, as an adult, especially in motherhood, your brain isn’t being dramatic or faulty. It’s using an old survival pattern in a new situation. One that once helped you cope, but now leaves you feeling constantly on edge.

That’s learned behaviour. And anything learned can be gently unlearned.

Your rational brain might know, “I’m okay.”But your nervous system is saying, “We are NOT okay.”So your body stays slightly tense.Your thoughts scan ahead.Your mind rehearses worst-case scenarios.You feel on edge even on “good” days.

Not because you’re dramatic.Not because you’re failing at coping.But because your brain has learned that staying alert feels safer than switching off.

Why it feels constant

When the amygdala is on high alert, it sends signals to the rest of your nervous system to prepare for danger. Stress hormones rise. Your heart rate changes. Your breathing becomes shallow. Your body shifts into a state designed for survival, not peace. Over time, this becomes the default setting.

Your brain isn’t choosing anxiety.It’s repeating a pattern it learned, but this is where the hopeful part comes in.

When the amygdala becomes overactive, which is common in postnatal anxiety and chronic stress, your body stays in a state of high alert. This is why therapy for anxiety is not just about changing thoughts, but about helping the nervous system feel safe again.

Your brain can change

Your brain is not fixed. It’s shaped by experience. This is called neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to rewire itself based on what it repeatedly lives through.

If your nervous system has learned:

“The world is unpredictable. I need to stay ready.”

It can also learn:

“I can handle things. I am safe often enough. I don’t have to be on guard all the time.”

But it doesn’t learn this through logic. Or telling yourself to “calm down”. It learns through evidence, Tiny moments that say: “I survived that.”“I coped.”“That was uncomfortable, but not dangerous.”“I’m okay right now.” but just as importantly, through the voice you use with yourself when those moments happen.

An anxious brain already has a loud narrator: “What if something goes wrong?”“You should have done more.”“This won’t last.” What helps reshape the nervous system is building another voice alongside it — a kinder, steadier one that notices reality:

“See? You managed.”“That didn’t turn into a disaster.”“You’re safer than your brain thinks.”

Not fake positivity. Not pretending life is easy.

Just accurate, compassionate noticing.

That’s how safety is relearned. Quietly. Repeatedly.

Therapy for mums with anxiety focuses on calming the nervous system, understanding emotional patterns, and building a kinder inner voice. Coaching supports this by helping you practise new responses in everyday life

Practical ways to support an overworked nervous system

As a busy, overwhelmed Mum myself, finding tools that are simple and don't add to the mental load is always my priority.

Having a toolkit thats help the amygdala know you are safe is the first step in feeling calmer and more present:

• Slower breathing, especially longer exhales (this sends a signal through the vagus nerve that the body is safe)

• Movement, This helps complete the stress cycle- right now my favourite thing is putting on some Olivia Dean and cleaning the kitchen or doing some hoovering,

• Sleep and rest, even when it’s imperfect if you can sit in the quiet for 10 mins without your phone (even better, listen to a meditation) that helps.

• Doing small hard things, instead of avoiding everything — showing your brain “I can handle this”- This week I sat down for 5 mins and planned out my week. Download a free planner HERE.

• Talking to yourself differently, especially after difficult moments-When you're finding this really hard, I find writing down how your feeling really helps.

• Repetition, not perfection

Think less “fix myself”, more “teach my nervous system something new”. Practice makes progress.

How therapy helps with this

Therapy isn’t about digging for problems or analysing you to death.

At its best, it does three important things:

1. It helps you understand your anxiety

You start to see why your brain learned this pattern — what it was responding to, what it was protecting you from. That alone often brings huge relief. Anxiety stops feeling like a personal flaw and starts making sense.

2. It gives your nervous system a safe relationship

A calm, attuned therapeutic relationship is not just emotionally supportive — it’s biologically regulating. Your nervous system experiences safety with another human, often for the first time in a consistent way. That directly affects how reactive the amygdala becomes over time.

3. It helps you practise new responses

Not in a forced way. In a realistic, compassionate one.

You learn how to notice spirals earlier.How to soften your inner voice.How to stay present in your body when your mind wants to run ahead.How to build trust in yourself again.

It’s slow, steady work. But it’s deep work. And it lasts.

If this is you

If anxiety feels inescapable.If your mind never really rests.If you’re exhausted from holding it together.

Nothing is wrong with you.

Your brain has just been trying very hard for a very long time.

And it can learn to do something gentler.

If you’re looking for anxiety therapy for mums, or support with postnatal anxiety, working with someone who understands nervous system regulation and maternal mental health can make all the difference. I support mothers to calm their nervous system, understand their anxiety, and build a gentler relationship with themselves.

There is no prize for the Mum who struggled the longest and didn't ask for help.