Hi Natasha Nyeke
So, it’s the first morning of the summer holidays. I’ve planned for this for weeks, though I didn’t anticipate the chaos of the last week of term. But now I know for next year—I’ll definitely slow down work-wise to compensate.
Anyway, summer has arrived! Thanks to my amazing Magical Summer Programme, I’m super organized. However, after a conversation with my dad yesterday and two of my best friends this morning, I realized how little I allow myself to rely on others.
I naturally have a very avoidant attachment style (try the quiz on our website)link, but I’ve done a lot of work to change that. Despite my progress, the journey is never truly over. I’ve noticed that when I really need help, I don’t practice what I preach. I don’t like feeling like a burden, and I am very independent.
So, what’s the science behind this? When we face new situations like the summer holidays, our nervous system prefers the familiar. For me, familiar meant attending clubs. I don’t remember my mum asking friends to take care of me—I’ll have to check with her. My Granny would look after us, but it often caused arguments between her and my Mum. I do ask my mum for help, but it feels like it stresses her out, so I keep it to a minimum to avoid conflict. Recently, I’ve realized I’m highly sensitive to rejection.
In new, unfamiliar situations, anxiety can go wild, searching for worst-case scenarios to keep us safe. Like every mum planning for school holidays, I felt overwhelmed so I planned it in the most comfortable efficient way possible: asking for minimal help and planning to work as little as possible. This was partly because I want to be with my kids, but also due to being stuck in my “should” brain. So much of that is mum guilt my husband isn’t worried, he isn't worried about cramming all his work into 2.5 days to create a magical summer for the kids. Strangely I realised, I haven’t even asked my husband to look after the kids for some personal time, aside from a week’s holiday and a day in London with me.
So tomorrow Im finally getting my greys dies because my hair sounds silly but feeling Mumsy makes me sad and he can do the pick ups.
Yesterday, I reviewed my plans and did something uncomfortable—I asked my mum to have the kids on Saturday night. I don’t need her to because Im not working and we dont need childcare, but it would be nice to have a morning off with my husband, to go for a dog walk and brunch after a busy week.
My anxiety tells me weekends are family time, and I do love family time. But I also love being refreshed so I can face another week of the juggle being the Mum I needed fun, calm and present.
This morning, I told my kids that Daddy and I are going on a romantic date where we don’t have to go to the toilet five times or ask them to sit down and eat, which they found hilarious.
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More importantly, my parents are getting older, and one of the biggest joys in their life is spending time with their grandchildren. I get to give them that this weekend. Plus, they don’t work, so they can rest until Tuesday if they’re exhausted ( Tuesdays is their allotted childcare day.)
In my group programme, we talk about this a lot. And before you say, “No, this isn’t me—I can’t leave my baby because he is only little,” I was actually much better at leaving my kids when they were little. I have new mum guilt now because my daughter is at school five days a week. Anxiety will always give you a reason why you can’t ask for help—it’s unfamiliar, and your nervous system doesn’t like new.....Summer Holidays are a new season Im figuring out and that's the thing about being a Mum constant change.
It’s the same reason if you’ve had one abusive partner, you're likely to have another.
It’s the same reason we say we feel lonely but then don’t open up to people.
It’s the same reason I didn’t ask for help with my daughter when I struggled after having my son.
When we struggle, the best thing we can do is ask for help, but our nervous systems say don’t take the risk—it will make things worse. Have a think about who has offered to help who needs your help and what is stopping you from accepting help. Yesterday was such a lightbulb moment for me and I'm 6 years into parenting but we all get in our own way sometimes.
If you feel stuck and need to make changes my "Finding You Reset" could be the perfect next step.
For £129, you get an hour and a half with me to identify negative thought patterns and their origins and to build a toolkit that wont just help you navigate change but will also equip you to support your kids to navigate changes as they never stop.
Then for the next 2 weeks, I’ll support you in booking those romantic brunch dates and finding little pockets of time to feel like more than a Mum.
Remember, you never want to overwhelm the nervous system. Even if it’s just asking a friend to come over for an hour while your baby naps so you can go to Tesco in peace, it’s a great start.
The fastest way to get anywhere is slowly, and I’ll be there to hold your hand every step of the way.
Book a free call and let's have a chat about how I can help you become the Mum you needed.
Natasha xo
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