We all know the theory behind gentle parenting—stay calm, set boundaries, co-regulate, validate feelings.
But here’s what the books aren’t telling you:
Gentle parenting is anything but gentle it's a really stupid name because theirs nothing gentle about it. Right now I'm in that very messy middle, where Im pretty sure my calm reaction is actually making my daughter seem angrier.
And right now I need to be doing alot of extra work to regulate my nervous system, journalling and meditating and having time away from her, as it's the only way I can buy the calm I need to stay calm when she's not.
First, I just want to say—this is not about being the perfect parent. Everyone shouts sometimes. No one reacts perfectly all the time, and honestly? I think that’s really important. It gives us the chance to show our kids that adults make mistakes too. The repair part is what so many of us, raised by 80s parents, never got.
A Lightbulb Moment
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend that gave me a lightbulb moment.
She told me how she’d lost her temper with her husband, and he just didn’t shout back.
And that, somehow, made her feel even worse.
She said, "If he had just yelled back, it wouldn’t have felt so bad. But he didn’t. He just stayed calm. And I felt so much shame."
It was such a reminder of how hard it must feel for my daughter—who’s going through a very emotional period—to be shouting at me and not getting the reaction she expects.
Especially since, for the past few weeks, I’ve been a lot more reactive—taking her iPad away, snapping, just not managing my emotions well at all.
Why Gentle Parenting Can Make Kids Seem Angrier
It’s so easy to worry that when we stop reacting emotionally and start responding with more regulation, it’s not working—because our kids seem to get more frustrated, more upset, and even angrier.
And honestly? Sometimes, they do.
Not because we’re failing—but because they feel safe enough to let it out.
What’s Really Happening?
A child raised in a home where shouting is normal might learn—like most of us did—to hide their emotions.
Or, like my husband, they might save them up for somewhere else, like school.
A child raised in a home where parents respond with calm regulation doesn’t get that same reaction.
Instead, they’re met with:✅ Validation✅ Boundaries✅ Natural consequences
And while that’s so much better in the long run, kids aren’t great with delayed gratification (honestly, neither are most adults).
In the moment, it feels frustrating to them.
Because when you’re angry, you want a reaction. You want to offload that emotion onto someone else.
And when that doesn’t happen?
The anger has nowhere to go—so it feels bigger before it feels better.
This is why:🚀 When we stop shouting, our kids might shout louder for a while.🚀 When we start enforcing natural consequences, their reactions might seem more intense.🚀 When we let them fully feel their emotions, they seem to have more of them.
And honestly? That’s hard.
Parenting a 7-year-old going through what seems to be an emotional surge (I’m guessing adrenaline, but I don’t really know) is really testing me.
But this is where I feel so grateful to have my platform—to journal, to process, to understand my own emotions.
Because I know that if I don’t regulate myself first, none of this works.
Why This Feels So Hard (And Why It’s Not Just About Our Kids)
The truth is, our kids aren’t any different from us.
When we feel dysregulated, we don’t act like calm, rational adults—we act like 8-year-old children struggling with big emotions.
Think about it:
When you’re overwhelmed and someone tells you to “just calm down,” how does that feel?
When you feel unheard and dismissed, do you lean in with emotional regulation? Or do you get louder?
When you feel judged, do you calmly reflect? Or do you get defensive?
Our kids are the same.
The difference? We expect them to handle emotions we still struggle with as adults.
And this is why cycle-breaking parenting is so exhausting—it requires us to heal our own wounds while trying to help our kids with theirs.
If your own nervous system is dysregulated, if you’re comparing yourself to other parents, if you’re worrying about what people think—then staying calm in the moment will feel impossible.
Regulating Your Child Starts with Regulating Yourself
💡 Before you try to change your child’s behavior, work on calming your own nervous system first.
That means:✅ Prioritizing your own regulation—movement, breathwork, breaks.✅ Pausing before reacting (if you haven’t read The Let Them Theory yet, I highly recommend it—it changed how I approach these moments).✅ Letting go of perfection—this is messy work, and repair when you can’t stay calm is just as important.✅ Stopping the comparison and judgment—this isn’t about other people, it’s about you and your child.
But What If Their Anger Becomes Destructive?
Here’s the part no one tells you:
The messy middle of cycle-breaking parenting can look like broken toys, ripped books, slammed doors, and thrown objects.
My daughter has broken things in her frustration. And in those moments, I haven’t just had to regulate myself—I’ve had to calm my husband, who was not raised with the idea that breaking things was okay.
So what do you do when emotions turn dangerous?
💡 1️⃣ Prioritize Safety First
Calmly move them to a safe space if possible.
Say: “I see you’re really angry, but I won’t let you break things. We need to find another way to let this out.”
If they’re too dysregulated to listen, remove dangerous objects and stay nearby.
💡 2️⃣ Offer a Physical Release
Throw soft items into a laundry basket
Stomp feet or jump on a cushion
Punch a pillow or push against a wall
💡 3️⃣ Repair, Don’t Punish
When they’ve calmed down, say: “I know you were really upset. Let’s talk about what we can do next time instead of breaking things.”
But Here’s the Best Part…
When you regulate yourself first and respond in a way you’re proud of, everything changes.
✨ No mum guilt.✨ No awful, shaky feeling after snapping.✨ No lying in bed replaying the moment, wishing you’d handled it differently.
Instead?
You get to feel proud of yourself.
And that? That’s better than any “quick fix” that comes from shouting or punishing in the moment.
Because when you respond calmly, even when it’s hard, you don’t just help your child—you change how you feel about yourself as a parent.
And that’s something worth working for.
How Working with Me Can Help
This work is hard—but you don’t have to figure it out alone.
In my 1:1 coaching, I help parents:✨ Regulate their nervous system so they can parent from a place of calm, not burnout.✨ Break free from perfectionism and guilt and focus on what actually works.✨ Learn how to hold boundaries without losing connection—so parenting feels more natural and less exhausting.
💛 I have 2 spaces available this month. Let’s chat.
📩 DM me “SUPPORT” or book a free call → link
🎧 Want to dive deeper into this? I cover all of this in my latest episode of The Imperfect Mum podcast.
💛 Have you ever felt like responding calmly was making things worse before they got better? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
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